How does epilepsy impact your life?
Sounds like such a simple question, but I’m still searching for the answer. I was diagnosed with generalized epilepsy about a year ago. My first seizure came out of the blue when I was 20 and I hit my head to where I was bleeding severely from the face and received 9 stitches. Initially, I was confused, I thought this may have been a hangover taken to another level. I thought I was right until a year later, I started having them back to back. The longest period I went without a seizure was three months. I hated life with epilepsy. I hated having seizures and I especially hated talking about it.
It took me a while to open up about it, I’d have seizures and keep them to myself, partly because I was ashamed and embarrassed and partly because I didn’t understand what was going on. It is hard to speak about things you don’t understand, therefore it makes it hard to accept what you cannot understand, and if you cannot accept nor understand then you cannot seek help. I’ve been in this helpless stage when I’m suppose to be living life, focusing on college and all the experiences these four years have to offer.
However, I fear that at any moment these resurrections would come back, that’s what I called my seizures. My actual seizures feel like little resurrections, it starts off as a slow death that you know is coming, you begin to feel the weakness and disconnect from everything around you, and then at any moment you can go into convulsion. then once it’s over you’ll feel confused and tired, there’s no other choice but to sleep it off, and voila you’re back. The thought of this happening at any time makes it even more terrifying. But I am strong, and I always keep this in the my mind. So then the question changes from how has epilepsy impacted my life to how has epilepsy taught me to be more hopeful. I couldn’t allow my hate for this disorder to consume me, hate won’t make it go away and hate damn sure won’t control it.
I’ve learn to take my hope out of medications because clearly, they weren’t working, and start thinking about it from a different perspective. As a young woman these are the times of building, creating, editing, and analyzing yourself. As I flip through the pages of my self help books and ponder on what my purpose is. I came to the revelation that it’s to inform and inspire, but through what means will I do this? There has to be more to me than this present day writer. Then it clicked. Not instantly but gradually, I realized, God gave me a purpose, he deepened the meaning behind everything I do. He’s given me a new means to inspire through my epileptic experiences and has give me a new level of strength.
It’s like you beat your last level in Candy Crush and you’re on to your next episode…